Government Doing Some Work: Want to Buy a Rolex?

Posted on Jul 22, 2022. by NTI

In a departure from recent practice the Government sat down this week, didn't kill each other or stab with wounding words, but actually did some work. The Department for Business, Energy & Industrial Strategy (BEIS) announced it had extended the £4.5 billion Recovery Loan Scheme, which offers Government-backed loans to small businesses, for a further two years.

Liz Truss said: "I thought of this; it is part of my £100 billion free giveaway scheme to all poor people, particularly those with northern accents."

Rishi Sunak said: "It was my idea, but I only did it because it was very, very, very prudent and I can be trusted to always tell you all the truth."

The RLS, originally launched in April 2021, has supported almost 19,000 businesses with an average of £202,000 in support.
The extension of the scheme provides further Government support for businesses grappling with cost pressures and adds to measures already announced by the Chancellor, such as increasing the Employment Allowance, slashing fuel duty, and introducing a 50 per cent business rates relief for eligible high street businesses.

The Government will underwrite 70 per cent of lender liabilities (down from an all-time high of 100 per cent and a smidge down on the 80 per cent offered for Recovery loans), at the individual borrower level, in return for a lender fee. Lenders must ensure that the benefits of the Government guarantee are passed through to businesses.

The banks said: "Oh, we will. You know how good we are lending money to small and medium-sized businesses. Twelve reasonably easy-to-complete forms, a blood test and your first-born child and you move straight onto the waiting list."

Business Secretary, Kwasi Kwarteng, said: "Small businesses are the lifeblood of the British economy, which is why we are determined to support our traders and entrepreneurs in dealing with worldwide inflationary pressures."

The new Chancellor, Nadhim Zahawi, commented: "Small businesses are the engines of economic growth, supporting jobs and livelihoods in communities right across the UK." 

Aneeq from Leicester said: "Does anyone know where I can buy a Rolex Daytona?"

'Perky Ange', also from Leicester, said: "I'm going to buy a Lexus with mine ... covered with Swarovski."

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