Laura Kuenssberg Goes Shopping for a New Coat, With a Large Hood and a Scythe

Posted on Feb 01, 2021. by NTI

Laura Kuenssberg is said to be 'livid' having heard reports of relatively sanguine Brits, and is said to be shopping online for a black coat, with a large hood and a scythe, to underscore her News at Ten message of total gloom and hopelessness.

"Didn't people see our special piece about gravediggers last week?" she is reported to have asked a member of her team who, it is claimed, broke out into a quarter smile having heard his Grandad was vaccinated on Saturday. "'ere you, stop grinning, we don't want the people of Britain thinking that horrible death isn't inevitable."

Ms Kuenssberg is right. Unbelievably, and despite every effort by Auntie to push us back into the sofa and smother ourselves in cushions, consumer confidence rose by 0.3 points to 102.9 last month, according to an index compiled by YouGov and the Centre for Economics and Business Research. Any reading above 100 indicates that households are feeling optimistic.

"Optimistic?" shrilled Laura, OPTI - bloody - MISTIC? What is wrong with people?"

She is correct, of course. The BBC have spent almost all of our licence money over the past 12 months filming ICUs behind grey gauze lenses and requesting reporters to lower their voices to a lachrymose monotone as they scour graveyards around the country for people dying live on TV. Despite their efforts, findings suggest that consumers are responding to early signs that the economy is holding up more strongly than it did during the spring lockdown.

Households are feeling more secure in their jobs and are more confident about their personal finances than they were last month. The sub-index for personal finances over the year ahead rose from 91.4 to 95.8, while the index for job security rose from 109.1 to 110.6.

"WHAT?" Laura screeched, "how can that be? Don't they know that 14,000 in every 14,001 have a strain of Covid that will surely kill them in 10 minutes?"

Even Deloitte, who commissioned about a dozen surveys before it could find one that demonstrated a 'near-record level of dismalness' among consumers had to admit that there was a note of “cautious optimism”, with robust disposable incomes helping to support confidence, amid the business darkness.

"Someone find me eight puppies that died as a direct result of the Government's incompetence," Laura screamed at her producers. They looked at her in confusion.

"NOW", she yelled, and they dashed off to find a bucket of water and some rope.

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