We in the NTI newsroom fully appreciate that not everyone shares a love of 'the beautiful game' and may flick through this piece in the hope of discovering references to veganism, Brian May's hedgehogs or late-stage vaccine trials for Covid-19. They will look in vain: as everyone knows, sometimes sport transcends boundaries, leaps across divides and provides moments of unparalleled humanity, serving as a parody of life itself. Today is undoubtedly one of those moments, as football delivers up not one, but two stories that could change life forever.
The first concerns Cristiano Ronaldo who is the latest preening, over-important professional footballer to test positive for Coronavirus. It is too early to say, but his team of doctors think he may have succumbed to a very rare strain of the virus that makes him super-smug and incapable of recalling clearly the events in a Las Vegas hotel room in 2009 where, it was alleged, he sexually assaulted Kathryn Mayorga. Ms Maynorga was unavailable for comment today as she became inexplicably rich soon after the incident and is too busy spending all of her new money. The adorable but curiously simian Senhor Ronaldo was last seen taking a selfie with his fellow Portuguese team-mates ahead of their game with Sweden this evening. It is reported he is now seeking a hotel room in which he can saucily (almost) self-isolate.
However, the big football story of the day, as all fans will tell you, is that the Official Receiver, Catherine Hudson, has announced the sale of Macclesfield Town FC Limited. The NTI newsroom led with this story on 16 September when the club was placed into Compulsory Liquidation, other media operators considering it too polemic, and can now report that the trading company behind the football club, to Macc Football Club Limited has been completed. Catherine (a huge friend of the newsroom) has asked that we make it clear that any similarity between the name of the OldCo and the NewCo is purely coincidental.
The sale includes the leasehold property known as Moss Rose Football Ground and all assets within the football stadium, including the main offices, entertainment facilities and dressing rooms, and the football club’s intellectual property rights. It also includes £4 found down the back of an old sofa in the press briefing room and an unwashed 'sporting brief' that once belonged to Macclesfield's most famous player, Matthew Tipton, who played more than 200 times for the club between 2002 and 2010, scoring 60 goals. Matthew was unavailable for comment today, as he has an early shift with DHL delivering, ironically, in the Macclesfield area in much the same way he delivered in the 18 yard area at the turn of the century.
Ms Hudson said: "The expedited sale of Macclesfield Town FC will help preserve the future of the football club and I am grateful to Macclesfield Town FC’s workforce during this difficult time." She then playfully nodded back an orange hilariously lofted towards her head by the current manager and he said something amusing about "signing her up".