Table for Two for Mr Danker at 12.30pm

Posted on Dec 05, 2022. by NTI

Wilbur Wongawa, known as 'Winkie', joined the NTI news team this morning and, in celebration of the Government's announced policy to allow a person the right to request flexible working arrangements on day one of their employment (rather than wait 26 weeks under current employment legislation), he immediately requested that he doesn't do any work until 1 February as, ..."I get sad during January".

Neil simultaneously announced a policy to change the location of the NTI newsroom on or before 31 January to a place currently unknown to everyone at NTI, including himself. We will certainly be in place in time to report on the year-long recession the CBI revealed behind the fifth day of our 'Financial Catastrophe Advent Calendar' this morning (Monday 5 December) and look forward to tomorrow's revelation of Rudolf the "stagflation", which we are reminded indicates a combination of rising inflation, negative growth and plummeting business investment which will, it is predicted, lead to negative growth throughout 2023.

Apparently, if you are the Confederation of British Industry you are allowed to just change a prediction of 1 per cent growth over the course of a year (for example, 2023) and replace it with one of 0.4 per cent negative fall and no-one asks how you could have missed it in the first place. 

CBI director-general Tony Danker ("Is that with a 'W', sir? We can fit you in at 12.30pm") said that some companies can see potential growth opportunities, but a lack of ‘reasons to believe’ in the face of headwinds are causing them to pause investing. As a result, it is neck-and-neck between us and the Germans to see which of the G7 nations can produce the most rubbish GDP growth (or otherwise) results in 2023.

Mr Danker wants the Government to boost business investment through a permanent investment tax incentive regime, which it estimates would unlock £50 billion in capital investment every year by the end of the decade. Anything else, Tony?

"Well, yes. We also want you to encourage investment and address skills and labour shortages across the country."

Got it (thanks). And have you cleared this with the bond markets and international investors Mr Danker?

If the Government doesn't do as the CBI suggests Tony and his team warn that productivity will remain weak over the next two years, ending up about 2 per cent below pre-pandemic trends at the end of 2024. However, they reserve the right to change all of their predictions and publish a new set of numbers should they turn out to be wrong.

« Back to articles